Reconnecting When Network Ties Go Dormant

We’ve known for a while that relationships that have fallen into a state of inactivity — or become dormant ties — can be resurrected. As people venture back into professional social settings after having experienced pandemic-induced disconnection, they are particularly keen to revive these inactive ties. Such connections have the potential to be incredibly valuable: During the period of dormancy, former contacts have been learning new things and developing new networks that could yield advice, referrals, emotional support, and even tangible resources.

We used to assume that reawakening a dormant tie was a simple process — just, you know, reach out and start talking to people. This view presumes that people can simply reengage as if no time has elapsed.

However, new research shows that the process of reviving a dormant tie is more complex than that. Simple mistakes can derail the reconnection process, sometimes so dramatically as to cause a relationship to end. For instance, one of us was with an innovation manager at a convention immediately after a former colleague had made a poorly executed attempt at reconnection. “Unbelievable. Did you hear what he asked me?” this manager said. “I will never talk to that guy again!” Less dramatically, dormant contacts will sometimes seem friendly when responding to an overture (“Well, it was great to see you”) but later admit that they were holding back and felt reluctant to fully engage, collaborate with, or share what they know with the other person.

Why are some reconnection attempts so suboptimal or even downright harmful? And what makes some reconnections more successful than others? We investigated these questions by observing and interviewing managers to understand how to refresh a level of trust in ways that benefit both parties.

The Three Key Elements of Reconnection

Over the course of several years, our research has included observing dozens of real-time reconnections at industry conventions and conducting 71 interviews with executives across the textile industry in Northern Italy. We identified three elements consistently associated with successful reconnections: how well both parties remember each other, how they go about catching up, and whether they perceive the relationship similarly. We developed a model of reconnections that result in activity where one or both parties obtain resources through the tie, such as a productive collaboration or useful advice.

We then tested this model in an experiment with 331 U.S. workers to assess the impact of each of the three elements on another person’s willingness to help. We provided a vignette describing a reconnection attempt by a former coworker and asked, “How willing would you be to help this person?” We measured whether people’s willingness changed based on whether a reconnection element was present or absent. We found that with none of the elements present, people’s willingness was neutral at best — 3.86 on a scale from 1 (unwilling) to 7 (willing). When all three elements were present, it went from neutral to, essentially, “Yes, I’d agree to help” (5.72). This validated our findings. We also confirmed that the three reconnection elements are useful specifically because they increase people’s trust that the other person cares about and will look out for them. Our research was published earlier this year in Organization Science.

Here’s how to work with each of the three key elements that enhance the success of a dormant-tie reconnection.

1. Remembering. Recognizing each other is critical, and a failure to do so can feel embarrassing and even insulting. Trying to reconnect with someone who does not recognize you is painful and might even make you seem less trustworthy. This often ends the relationship permanently.

Overtures that give the other person time to look you up on social media such as LinkedIn can provide a way for the person being approached to see your face, read your bio, and be reminded of how they know you. Cold-calling can be risky: An R&D manager told us about calling a CEO and having to explain multiple times who he was and how and where they had met. Eventually, the CEO did remember him as “the young guy with very big hope.” The R&D manager felt humiliated and decided not to ask for the advice he was looking for and never called the CEO again.

Approaching someone in person at a professional event can also be tricky. Keep in mind, for instance, that everyone’s appearance changes over time, including yours, so providing clues such as a prominent name tag can help.

After recognizing each other, reminiscing over shared experiences helps to reestablish the relationship by reminding each other of what was happening when the tie was active. You want to talk about times spent together, and even shared hardships. For example, we observed a successful reconnection where one participant said, “Do you remember our director? He was such a jerk.” The other recalled that person the same way: “Ha ha, how could I forget? The most unapproachable guy — super moody.” As memories came flooding back, the former colleagues created a bridge between past and present.

2. Catching up. Updating the other person on professional and even personal matters since you last saw each other brings the relationship into the present and allows you to fill in the picture of what has happened while the relationship was dormant. This is more than just small talk; it lets people see what you’re all about now. One executive said that hearing about the other person’s career path “not only helps but is probably also critical to understanding who you are dealing with.” Note that catching up does not mean providing a detailed chronological account of everything that has happened since you last were in touch. Focusing on just the relevant highlights can help to strategically orient the conversation.

Including details on personal matters can make the reconnection less transactional. “If you season it all with some mention of your personal life, it can help bring the talk back to a little bit more human level,” said one executive. “If you go straight to the point, people might feel you want to exploit them.” It’s important not to get too personal, though. One manager, in describing catching up with a dormant contact after eight years, explained, “I didn’t want to cross the line and be too intrusive, so I tried to limit this to pleasantries, showing that I care without being indiscreet.” Unfortunately, not everyone follows this advice. Indeed, we witnessed several reconnection disasters brought on by insensitive questions, both in the professional realm (“Did they at least pay you well when you were let go as CEO?”) and in the personal realm, with an inquiry into how a person was coping with the death of a spouse. Both reconnection attempts were cut short by the other person.

Reacquainting yourselves also helps both sides assess whether they like and trust each other. It may initially seem like a gratuitous ritual, but it allows people to check whether their mental image of you, including your trustworthiness, is still accurate. How you present yourself — your views, your recent experiences — will affect not just how the other person sees you but the relationship itself. You will likewise have the same opportunity to reassess your old contact. This stage is when both parties evaluate, often subconsciously, whether the other person represents a viable tie for the future.

3. Perceiving the tie similarly. Both sides need to be on the same page about the relationship, such as how close you two feel, whether your roles or companies are in competition, and whether you are of similar or different status. For example, it is fine to reconnect with people you used to know either really well or barely at all, as long as you treat the other person accordingly. Treating someone as a close confidant when you had a distant relationship with them (or vice versa) undermines the reconnection.

Dormant contacts who are now competitors can still reconnect successfully and sometimes even work together — such as on efforts to promote the industry — but both people need to be in sync about the nature of the relationship. As one executive put it, “If I think that asking that person something would cause them a conflict of interest, I do not ask.”

One R&D manager told us of a reconnection he tried to make that went poorly, with a former employee who had since become CEO of a small but fast-growing company. The CEO “kept the conversation very brief before hanging up.” Afterward, the R&D manager told us sheepishly that he might have been too bossy, coming off as if his former colleague owed him something. “Maybe he felt like I was treating him as my employee instead of the CEO of an important company,” he said. The two were not seeing the tie similarly, and the reconnection attempt failed.

Being on the same page sets the boundaries for what is or is not appropriate when making requests in the reconnection process. The other person needs to trust that you will not pressure them into sharing resources they are not comfortable sharing given the type of relationship you have.

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These latest findings are on how to reconnect your dormant ties. Don’t forget, though, that it also matters who the other person is. Past research has found that the most useful reconnections are to dormant contacts who are likely to provide novelty — such as higher-status contacts and people you never spent a lot of time with in the past — and who are also likely to be fully engaged, such as people you expect will care about you and be willing to help.

Refreshing dormant ties can be as important to enhancing your network as adding new people or strengthening existing ties. Savvy executives reconnect, but they do it thoughtfully. The payoff is that requests to collaborate or seek advice will be greeted less warily, with a willingness by the other person to go above and beyond in helping without feeling like they’re being taken advantage of. Those who take the time to pay attention to these three steps are better able to restore past relationships to their full potential — refreshed, trusted, and ready to help.